How to screw up a difficult conversation

And a framework to understand why

Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

The meeting started with the senior manager in the room saying “it’s really important that we have clarity on this”. This, in itself, was a warning sign because people shouldn’t need to say they are being clear. If you have to say it then you probably aren’t going to be. Shortly afterwards the aforementioned manager went on to tell the employee that their company had decided to reduce their job role for an unspecified period of time based on some concerns that had been raised but they were not willing to share. The employee was given the choice of voluntarily submitting to those reductions or having them imposed via formal disciplinary process. HR chipped in, as is HR’s wont, by saying how nice they were being by keeping it informal as if the employee should be grateful for how kindly they were being treated. Grade A gaslighting.

Previously the employee had received a phone call from HR saying that a meeting was going to happen and that reductions were going to be imposed. This was followed by the kind of letter that is worded to provide maximum legal cover to the employer and will inevitably invoke terror in the recipient. The letter included the standard platitudes that this was about getting the employee’s perspective before making any decisions, contradicting with what had been said in the phone call.